We Quit Drinking

I don't know much about his personal habits. I know he seems like he needs a shower sometimes, but I don't know if he drinks or not. Still, he behaves like some of the most obdurate alcoholics of my acquaintance, and I do know a few hard cases.

The story has an ironic twist to it, because I had to fire him earlier this week, and we had a previously scheduled lunch date for today. When he called to find out if we were still on for lunch, I couldn't deny him.

The people who worked with this guy brought their complaints to me and I was faced with the choice of acting on the matter and salvaging a project, or letting the guy's behavior torpedo the effort. After I was sure I had the story straight, I had the project leader and one of the guy's main supporters (a team member who understood the issues but remained a friend of our problem-guy) and a third party who understood the issues and has a responsible position in the organization join me and I called the guy into the office. I explained the concern that the four of us shared... that the project would be ruined if he didn't withdraw.

The guy is a debater, not an accepting bone in his body. There was nowhere to go with a debate. The choice had been made to disengage him from the effort. Yet he felt like he deserved an explanation. I explained then that what he needed to understand that day was that he was being terminated and that there wasn't any room for discussion, the decision was made and it had been based on our commitment to the success of the project that he was undermining.

So today I had lunch with him, and he wanted details on why he had been fired. Who was out to get him? I explained that I wasn't ready to discuss that matter with him, but reminded him that he had made the lunch date before our unfortunate interaction. What was on his mind, I asked?

Well, he wanted to sandbag the project. He needed to share his concern about the people who are running it and he had hoped to turn it around and shape it according to his own agenda. So we had lunch and I reminded him that all of that was moot because he was separated from the team and he had agreed to steer clear of the entire effort and would he be kind enmough to please shut up and eat... I phrased this more diplomatically I think.

I'm writing about this here because it reminds me of the behavior of so many of us who can't let go... who can't accept that we are not in control of a situation. Control is an illusion. Responsibility for right action remains with us, but we can't control the outcomes of those actions. If we make good choices we're likely to be happier than if we make bad choices. But even that is not guaranteed. There are plenty of people who make bad choices and slide by happier than pigs in mud. There are plenty of people who make good choices and get hit by lightning or crowded off the subway platform onto the tracks in front of an onrushing train -- nobody's fault, just ill fortune, yet it seems unfair.

Letting go of outcomes, accepting what comes and walking in sunshine are lessons that I've learned. To the extent that I remember them, I have happy days.

What does this have to do with drinking, quitting drinking, not taking the next drink? A lot! Acceptance is the answer to almost any question that doesn't require you to understand irrational numbers or divide by the negative square root of two. Those questions still baffle me. But I can accept that.