by jonl

Conflicted

in Social Issues

Sun, 28 Mar 2004, 19:12

As I mentioned to Joi when he was here, I started drinking again within a month after I signed on here, but it didn't seem to be a problem. I may have a blind spot about this potential problem, though. My curse is that I remain quite functional when I'm drinking. I'm not a Malcolm Lowry... I don't drink myself into complete oblivion. The effects are more subtle and creepy.

Anyway I'm drinking now (literally now, as I type), and I haven't posted here in a long time because I don't know how I feel about alcohol. If I stood in front of an AA meeting now, I wouldn't know what to say. "My name is Jon, and I'm conflicted."

They don't give chips for that.

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Comments

Mar 29, 2004 11:10:36 AM
1 - Papa

Papa said...

"My curse is that I remain quite functional when I'm drinking." ...a half gallon of bourbon a week + sips when I was out socially...

I can only hope that your intake was/is much more moderate than mine. I can even go so far as to acknowledge that from a medical stand point a prescribed amount of alcohol might be if not "healing" then restorative.

It wasn't until a year (365 days) of sobriety that I began to notice that I was not under the very subtle influence of the alcohol that I quite functionally enjoyed. Very subtle nuance awarenesses began to show through as the alcohol haze began to clear. Can I enumerate them, no. Can I deny them, no! Early on I was "conflicted" now I am not.

If I may speak presumptously, if you are conflicted, if you feel that something might be wrong, then quite likely there is something wrong.

- Papa

Mar 31, 2004 8:31:35 PM

I've the same curse. I graduated with honors from a top 10 university, all the while beginning most days with a six-pack and a joint. I tend to agree with Papa's statement that if you think something might be wrong, it probably is, but who knows.

I've been procrastinating quitting for a while (for reasons that I'll detail if I ever start a diary) but I have rather successfully quit drinking alone. That was always my big thing.

We'll see.

Keep us posted, Jon.

PS - What's all this talk about chips? They give you chips at AA? Potato? Poker? What?

Mar 31, 2004 9:18:06 PM

At AA you get chips for wanting to quit (desire chips), and for milestones (e.g. a one-year chip).

I once quite drinking for six years or so, and I was pretty productive. That's the thing: functional may not be enough. What're you missing when you're *merely* functional? That's what I've been asking myself.

Apr 1, 2004 9:48:59 AM
4 - kathy

I just found this blog and am sorry to hear you are conflicted. I can't tell you how many times I have felt conflicted. I have tried AA, achieved 8 months sober. I have tried the I'll just have a couple of drinks and that ends up in drinking the whold damn fifth.

Yesterday I ended my confliction once again and enrolled in an outpatient rehab through my insurance company. I have learned that when it comes to alcohol, there is no confliction for me (at this point) and that I just can't drink. It always escalates.

Hopefully this time it will work. If it doesn't I don't think I will survive to see my kids turn into parents and feel the love of a grandmother, as well as many other beautiful things that await me.

I'm looking forward to reading more here, but right now I have to go check in with the doc and update him on how the detox meds are working.

Good luck to you.

Apr 1, 2004 10:46:08 AM
5 - Bose

I choose to be pragmatic. I'm a grown-up who can recognize when things are a problem, and when they're not. The "if I think there might be a problem, it's probably a real problem" line of thought gets me all muddled up; it feels like mushy, magical.

My personal feelings about alcohol? I'm robustly ambivalent about it in a way that is healthy for me. Not wishy-washy ambivalent, but ambivalent in identifying strongly with both the benefits/gifts I get from drinking as well as the challenges and drawbacks of drinking.

My drinking was a problem until I latched onto pragmatic solutions and support from Moderation Management in mid-2000. Before that, I was a daily drinker, with plenty of 6-8 beer days; since then, more than half of my days are alcohol-free, and I'm generally within reasonable limits.

Life is good... hope your is today, too, Jon.

Apr 3, 2004 5:37:58 AM

Hi Jon and all other commenters here = Thanks for all your honest considerations here. I'm still on my NO DRINKING "binge" and I think the point you raise Jon, about being "functional" is key. I don't want to be just functional. I want to do better than that. You've heard my rant before, but if I drink, my other health enterprises suffer -- I don't feel like working out, I don't feel like getting up early, I just get lazy and sloppy -- and that, together with my son being "happy and proud" of me for not drinking, as he put it, keeps me sober. It's all easy for me to say, I've never been a big drinker (one or two glasses of wine a month), but I think if it's a problem for anyone, they do well to err on the side of calling it a problem and getting help.

Apr 4, 2004 8:15:04 PM
7 - Ed

one or two glasses of wine a month? is that a typo?

Apr 12, 2004 3:58:03 PM
8 - Drew Mabry

Uh, if there's no problem, then why are you here? IMHO, usually where there's smoke, there's fire.

Apr 30, 2004 4:36:20 PM
9 - Alcoholic contender

Hi all and jon!
It's really easy for me to say, but I will say it anyway. Before you start drinking just reason with yourselve a bit. Why I am drinking? What is the use of drinking? Is it worth my health and pretty day of tomorrow? Do I really want to feel shitty again when I wake up? Why I am being so easy on myself? There is nothing to be conflicted about. Being in control is the key to overcome your problem. Control your emotion. Don't let your emotion control you. You are your worst enemy. Before you can win over anyone/problem you must win over yourselve first. To do that you must look deep inward to see what you will find. I can be be very certain the result will be very supprising. If you don't like what you see. Change it! After all the person you find can either live with you forever or just momentarily. It is all up to you to choose. No one can help you but yourselve. Be strong one time, be strong twice..........be strong a trillion times.

Life is really great. Why be so blind? To see all the goody that is of life. Only the strong and happy can see, what there really is of life. Who say weaknesses in your life won't kill? Only to know sooner or later weaknesses eat you up inside.

May 4, 2004 8:47:10 PM
10 - gabrielle

I'm like Hailey, I'm back on my 'no drinking' binge too. Functional is good, it's a start. The "gut" instinct, the "hara" (we westerners think too much with our heads) is the best one to follow. I don't know how many days sober, I just know that 'functional' is a better place to start/be than 'conflicted' for me.

May 18, 2004 5:50:08 AM
11 - :-)

Today is my first day, yes I've tried and failed a dozen times before.

I wrote this before finding this site:

"I must stop drinking now, today, now. No regrets, no fussing, no sip of wine in three days. I must stop drinking now.

The time for 'maybe now' is gone. Stop now, today, forever.

Bite the bullet. Many things I perceive to be problems today will sort themselves out when I stop drinking."

Here I go.

May 31, 2004 11:41:20 PM
12 - rochelle

Halley Suitt,

bragging about being sober when all u drank was a glass or two a month is paramount to a genetically thin person criticizing the overweight person while your eating french fries.

Jun 7, 2004 7:22:02 PM
13 - melanie

Halley Suitt,

I agree with the previous comments regarding your intake. Get real, one or two glasses a month. Your joking right?

Sep 13, 2004 5:15:24 PM
14 - lilbig

Thanks to everyone who posts things on this website. It has been my newest resource in my attempt to quit drinking...again. After 3 DUI's one would think that I would easily give it up but no, that would make way too much sense. Here is my latest problem I am searching for help about: 1) I am having a really hard time telling people that I am an "exdrinker." The opportunity presents itself and then I just keep quiet. Afterward I think to myself "why didn't you say something?"
2) During my last episode getting wasted, I said some harsh things to my brother that I regret saying. In addition, it totally freaked out my fiance and she is questioning whether or not she wants to share her life with a drunk (she has heard me say that I'm quitting about 20 times now). My problem is that when I call the people that I want to make amends with to apologize, they always say, "don't worry about it, you were fine and everybody does it." Then I am left frustrated because I feel confused as to why they would tell me that its no big deal! Does anyone know what I mean? Any insights, advice would be appreciated.

Dec 22, 2004 7:16:24 AM
15 - Ron

Hello, This is my first time posting here. I am a moderate drinker, which to me mean I average maybe a few drinks a week and drink somewhat to excess once every month or two. My thing is I have bad acid reflux (heartburn). And even if I dring a little it sets it off. I would like to completely stop drinking. I just think it's the healthier way to go. My issue is this: I am, even as an , very influenced by peer pressure. I feel like I'm letting other people down if I don't join in on the 'fun.' Which I have to admit I enjoy myself. But it's very difficult for me to not drink if everyone else is drinking. A lot of the people I drink with are close friends and relatives. Any suggestions or strategies would be appreciated.

Aug 12, 2005 11:11:48 AM
16 - Jessica

I hate drinking and drunk people!! Get sober!!

Feb 26, 2006 10:33:52 PM
17 - Dan

Wow, just reading some of these comments and it seems there is a bit of each one that pertains to me. I think the trait comment by Halley struck the deepest chord, because thats how I feel. I just feel like I am not a drinker, or at least the heavy beer swigging shot taking person I was (is?). Its how I felt about smoking years ago and I quit that because, well, I didn't FEEL like a smoker. I always thought if that if I was looking at myself smoking I would think I look like a jackass.
See, I think I am going through an identity crisis right now. I KNOW some of you have the same situation that I do. That is your circle of friends all drink and that blacking out, throwing up, fights, etc... is just another wild and crazy night that is fully accepted. I hate not remembering what I did or said. My hangovers for the last few months besides having the feelings (bad hangovers)of "oh god what did I do?" are mixed with feelings of guilt. Never really felt this before, but they grow (grew?) stronger the last few months.
You see, first my daughter Emma was born August 31 of last year. I continued my ways of drinking and on May 29th I recieved my first DUI. I put my truck upside down after hitting a gaurdrail. Even after this I would continue to make excuses and defend my drinking. Now sometime in the last few weeks i have felt this urge to quit. No reason stands out more than others, I think its a mix of a few. My daughter being one, but also waking up and feeling like crap, the aforementioned blackouts among other things.
February 20th was my first day (hopefully) of sobriety. I had no drinks this weekend and trust me thats hard. I BOWL on FRIDAY nights if that lets u know anything. I might have drunk a few Saturday playing poker if we had enough people that night. In retrospect I am glad I didn't but I realized how easy it could have been to "slip."
I feel a new motivation for life. I hope quitting drinking brings more to my life. I would have never even thought about writing this months ago. I am just one those you guys see at Hooters or a bar rooting for the home team, drinking with a bunch of guys wearing baseball caps. I don't feel like that anymore. I hope somebody is listening to this because I have only told one person, my cousin who is my best friend. He has 4 or 5 DUI's and not sure how he takes what i told him. I haven't even told my girlfriend that I live with yet and not sure how to tell her though I know she would support me. I think alot of people will be shocked because like I said drinking is almost a way of life for my circle of friends and I helped lead the charge. So feel free to email or comment or whatever, I feel a bit alone on this and have a feeling thats not the best idea.

Mar 9, 2006 2:52:42 PM
18 - Francie

Just want to quit being irresponsible. Quit the depression and the unhappiness I feel after I drink, that "not right" feeling. I want to be free of the pull and free of the fall into stupidity. I fear getting a DUI, and the cost, the embarrassment, the feeling of being a failure. But more importantly I don't want to hurt anyone. Years ago I got into a terrible car accident because I was drunk, thankfully it was a one car accident, mine, but I live with the injury I caused myself daily. I am sick of taking stupid risks. Jessica is right when she says "I hate drinking and Drunk People." Get Sober! It's that simple. Time to grow up and take the only road to complete responsibility. I am ready, I am going to do it. Best to all.

May 10, 2007 12:01:00 AM

Busted For DUI? by Carson Danfield

DUI laws are quite complex and vary from state to state. For example, California DUI Laws are so strict that the state leads the nation in DUI arrests. There were almost 200,000 people arrested for DUI in California alone last year. When a person is arrested on DUI charges in Florida, he has approximately ten days to ask for a hearing with the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles to protect his license from being confiscated permanently.

Most people think that if they get pulled over for DUI, and are below the legal limit, that the officer will let them go or they will only be fined and not charged. Actually, an arrest for DUI can be made at any blood alcohol level.

The physical evidence of drunk driving includes slurred speech; inability to perform normal activities like standing, walking, or turning; red, glassy, bloodshot eyes; dilated pupils; and odor of alcohol on the breath.

Some DUI defense attorneys report that breathalyzers used by law enforcement do not accurately measure alcohol -- and thus may produce falsely high "blood alcohol" readings. Additionally, diabetics with low blood sugar can have high levels of acetone, which is "seen" as alcohol by breathalyzers.

If convicted, the DUI can render the defendant financially, socially, and psychologically impoverished and impaired. However, it is possible to have DUI records cleared in almost all states.


Many people charged with DUI want to know what a DUI attorney can do for them.

A well-qualified and professional DUI attorney can help to minimize the severity of DUI records and in some cases they can eliminate your DUI records completely.

A DUI attorney can check the case against you for errors, have samples independently analyzed, move to suppress certain evidence, arrange for expert testimony and witnesses, contest license suspensions and negotiate reduced penalties and sentences. DUI attorneys have to be knowledgeable and well versed in subjects such as blood analysis, breath tests, drug recognition evaluation and urine tests.

MISLEADING STATEMENTS BY POLICE OFFICERS

Any misleading statement by the police regarding the consequences of taking (or refusing) a blood, breath, or urine test can cause the suspension to be reversed and removed from the driver’s record.

Think all policemen are 'officer friendly'? Think they're all honest? Think again. I've known several policemen in different parts of the country and you'd be surprised at some of their 'tricks of the trade' that they routinely utilize. Keep in mind that these cops were personal friends of mine and bragged about some of the things they did -

A) If you want to cause problems for a driver you've pulled over, cite him for DUI and write in your report that when asked for his registration and proof of insurance, the driver seemed confused and disoriented. The fact of the matter is that most everyone stores these documents in their glove compartment, along with lots of other papers and miscellaneous junk. Of course, it will take anyone a couple of minutes to find the requested papers, but reporting that the driver appeared confused and disoriented will go a long way in convincing a judge that the driver was indeed impaired.

B) If a cop wants to make some extra cash, he'll check the record of anyone he pulls over for drunk driving. If the driver has had previous DUI convictions, he's the perfect target for a big cash bribe. He's given the choice of being cited for a second or third DUI, or he can pay a 'fine' in cash, directly to the cop. Given the choice of heavy DUI penalties or paying the cop, many drivers will fork over the cash.

C) Sit outside of a banquet hall that's used for wedding receptions. In almost all cases, there's drinking going on, so whenever anyone leaves, pull them over, threaten them with a DUI citation and then offer to let them go if they pay the fine right now.

There are other money-making routines the cops use, but I think you get the idea. When a cop pulls you over, you're at his mercy.

Since I've had several cops, from different parts of the country, brag about doing things like this, I have to conclude that such practices are not just isolated cases.

LACK OF PROBABLE CAUSE TO ARREST

A police officer must have specific and supportable facts to support any arrest for DUI, or the suspension will be reversed and the evidence suppressed at trial. In simple terms, you shouldn't be pulled over for DUI just because you're driving a red sports car.

There are many ways you can fight a DUI charge and win. To find out more, visit DUI-TRIX.com

May 11, 2007 3:53:58 AM

DUI? Sometimes, Bad Things Happen To Good People by Carson Danfield

As long as there are human police officers, injustices always will occur. A great many police officers feel they have done their job when they arrest a person for "mere suspicion" of DUI. In some instances, the arrest may be warranted, but sometimes it isn't.

Although you may think that just because your Blood Alcohol Level is below the state limit, usually 0.08%, that you'll not be arrested for DUI. Wrong! Actually, you can be arrested for DUI no matter what level of alcohol is in your bloodstream. Even if you haven't been drinking at all, if the police officer observes anything about you that leads him to believe you may have been drinking, he can arrest you. And then, it's up to you to prove your innocence.

For example, let's say that you just finished a fine meal at your favorite restaurant and you had a small glass of wine. An overzealous police officer stops you for a minor traffic violation and smells alcohol on your breath. He immediately arrests you for DUI, slaps on a set of handcuffs and hauls you off to jail.

Once you arrive at the jail, you're photographed and fingerprinted, then you're placed in a holding cell, probably along with some pretty unsavory characters. You'll wait there for what seems like an eternity and eventually you'll go before a local magistrate who will decide what happens next. He may just assign you a court date and release you, or he may keep you locked up until you post a cash bail. If you don't post bail, you'll sit in jail until your court date.

Even when you do get out of jail, it will seem like your troubles are just starting. As a result of your arrest, your car was towed to an impound lot and when you go to retrieve it, you'll be faced with paying hundreds of dollars in towing, storage and administrative fees.

When your court date finally arrives a few weeks later, you need to be prepared to fight your case by being knowledgeable about the DUI laws of your state. If everything concerning your arrest wasn't done properly, there's a good chance you can get the case dismissed and all charges dropped, thereby keeping your record clean. Even if your case does proceed to trial, your guilt must be proven beyond reasonable doubt. Again, this is where you need to be aware of the law and what's legally required for a conviction.

Keep in mind that the police officer is not your friend. The judge is not your friend. This is a money-making enterprise for them and they would prefer to punish you as much as possible, as quickly as possible so they can move on to the next poor soul who they've managed to catch in their snare. If you don't know your rights and speak up, they'll just dish out your punishment and move on to the next victim. You will have now been rubber-stamped as a criminal and you'll have to live with the consequences.

Don't let this happen to you. If you've been falsely accused of DUI, you absolutely need to know your rights. Visit DUI-TRIX.com to find out how you can protect yourself from an unjust DUI arrest.

Jul 13, 2009 11:41:35 AM
21 - Tammy

Hey people,

I'm brand spanking new here and I'm looking for new and exciting friends to meet.

I hope to make some quality posts soon but first I have to look around the forum and
familiarize myself with everyone.

Bye for now. lol

**********************************************************************


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