Mon, 11 Oct 2004, 08:58
Frank needs a meeting. While I haven't had a drink since November 2 , 1985, there are times when all the old feelings bubble up, my life is unmanageable, and a good way to deal with the emotional storms and psychic and spiritual emptiness is to check in at a 12 step meeting.
I like to influence outcomes. I think intentional behavior with an eye on the outcome is a good thing. But there's a pivot point where the old AA folks say you have to "let go and let God" take care of things. The G word trips up a lot of us. As a devout non-theist myself, I don't have a clue what it means to let God do anything. "Turning it over to a higher power" is unnatural for me. The way I'm wired, I somehow think that stewing about matters, worrying about issues that I am relatively powerless to influence is the best way to live my life. What has it done for me? Well, it's certainly turned some low points into deep valleys of despair. What I could have walked through or skipped across with detachment, I've allowed to drag me down and keep me there for far longer than necessary.
I'm going thorugh a period now when worries about contracts, hassles with other bull-headed people, and a general sense that my way is the right way and an incredulous wonder that everybody doesn't get it are tearing me down. There are people out there who empathize, who have experienced the same things, who are willing to offer support at the merest hint that it would be welcomed. These people can be found at 12 step meetings, among other places.
I need a meeting.